Conquer Like a Dictator. Organize Like a Senate Clerk. Look Fabulous in a Toga.
Check ou t our emperors top 10 life hacks to better living in the capital.
1. Divide and Conquer (Your To-Do List)
The same strategy I used to outmaneuver the Gauls can work on your Monday checklist. Break your tasks into manageable provinces (laundry, taxes, wine inventory), and take each one in turn. Bonus: It feels incredibly satisfying to yell “Veni, Vidi, Vici” after folding towels.
2. Keep Friends Close and Frenemies in the Forum
Brutus was a great dinner guest until he stabbed me. Lesson? Create a “Trusted Senators” list and a “Potential Backstabbers” list in your contacts. If someone compliments your toga twice in one week, monitor them.
Also, never ignore gut feelings. Especially when they come from a guy in a cave yelling, “Beware the Ides of March.”
3. Always Travel with a Dictation Scroll
Whether drafting war proclamations or love letters to Cleopatra, I always kept a scroll and stylus on hand. You never know when inspiration—or assassination—will strike. If you’re more tech-forward, try “CarryScroll™ Pro” with ink auto-correction and signature flourish assist.
4. Pack Light, March Far
Want to conquer a continent? Don’t bring everything. I traveled with minimal sandals, three tunics, and a collapsible trireme. In modern terms: lose the baggage—physical, emotional, and otherwise. Especially emotional baggage from former emperors.
5. Rebrand Ruthlessly
Was I born a god? No. Did I declare myself one? Absolutely.
If you’re stuck being “Marcus from Accounting,” reinvent yourself:
→ “Marcus the Budget Slayer”
→ “Lady Maxima of Spreadsheets”
→ “Emperor of Slide Decks”
Never underestimate the power of a new title and dramatic lighting.
6. Write Your Own History
If there’s one scroll you should author, it’s your own. I didn’t wait for Tacitus to narrate my glories—I wrote the Commentarii de Bello Gallico and spoke about myself in third person. (“Caesar thinks this lunch is exceptional.”)
Try it. It’s wildly empowering.
7. Toga Maintenance Is Self-Care
Looking polished sends a message: “I control an empire.” A wrinkled toga, on the other hand, screams “local bar poet.”
Caesar’s 3-step Toga Hack:
- Soak in olive oil soap
- Dry in the Mediterranean sun
- Sprinkle with ground marble for a shine
And no, purple stripes are not optional. You’ve earned them.
8. Don’t Cross the Rubicon Lightly (But When You Do, Make It Epic)
The Rubicon wasn’t just a river—it was a moment. Everyone has a Rubicon: quitting a job, launching a business, telling Crassus his statue is weird.
When you cross your Rubicon:
- Be bold
- Bring snacks
- Deliver a killer one-liner
Mine? “The die is cast.” Yours could be “I clicked Send.”
9. Schedule Time for Betrayal Prevention
Put it in your calendar:
⏰ Every 15th of the month — Check for sharp objects, strange birthday parties, and senators who suddenly learned knife tricks.
Use this moment for reflection, reconciliation, or updating your will.
10. Leave a Legacy (That’s Not Just a Statue)
Yes, I left behind a calendar, roads, aqueducts, and half of Europe. But your legacy doesn’t need to involve conquering Gaul.
It could be:
- A perfectly organized spice rack
- An advice scroll that goes viral
- Mentoring a junior centurion
The key is to live as if bards will sing about your lunch decisions. Because if you do it right… they will.
Final Thoughts from the Senate Floor
Modern life is chaotic, but remember—Rome wasn’t built in a day. However, it was burned in one, so maybe don’t wait too long on that project.
And if you ever wonder what I would do in your situation? Just ask yourself:
“Would Caesar have hesitated?”
No. He would’ve annexed the break room.
Glory to you. Glory to Rome.
— JC 🏛️
Conqueror. Calendar Creator. Toga Influencer.